A long share in the form of a Q&A.
Q: How come I seem so calm when everything around is seems to be crumbling down?
Short answer: I Trust in Life & I Trust in myself.
And also, I don't believe anything is crumbling down, I believe that any type of order or structure is preceded by some type of chaos. A simple example is when you start cleaning up, a spring clean for example.
First you pull everything out of the closets and it's one big mess and then you start sorting and shifting and before you know it, everything is Fresh and Clean.
Q: How and when did I learn to trust in life and in myself?
When: after I decided no more office work for me back in 2013. I was so unhappy with living within that confined box of idea's of how my life was supposed to look, I didn't care WHAT would happen to me, I felt like I was dying a slow death.
So, I quit, I went to Australia and came back 9 months later, + 1 very intriguing love relationship and with a bunch of trust in Mama Universe, which at that time I didn't realise was all IN ME.
How: Ever since, I had to trust from moment to moment that I would be ok. Because as I had sworn, I would never go back to work for a boss in an office, so I had to figure out another way to not only survive also to have enough so that I could live a comfortable life.
pic: eberhard grossgasteiger
Also I stopped reading the news, listening to and hanging out with negative people.
Enter the start of my journey in taking full responsibility for everything that shows up in my life.
Q: So how did that go, how did you make ends meet? And create more for yourself?
I had no other choice than to trust myself FULLY. I knew what I didn't want, that would kill me, and I am not kidding you it literally felt like that. No more someone else telling me what to do and when I could do that and being in charge of MY TIME.
So, I did the only thing I could do, I gave over control. I have a funny anecdote that ties in perfectly with this. In 20something me and a friend Wendy went on a holiday to Costa Rica. We visited acquaintances who had the bought the most beautiful piece of land with a group of friends in Punta Banco. They had a gardener working for them who had a couple of horses and he offered island rides to their guests to make an extra living.
I LOVE horseback riding and I said to my friend, LET'S GO! She was like, hell no, I don't want to. I kept on pushing and she was so determined so I finally let it go.
I was SO happy she didn't come. It was one of the scariest rides of my life! hahaha. At one point we were riding on a crazy narrow path that had on one side (the right) a huge mountain-wall and the other side ... the right side ... the deepest RAVINE I had ever seen.
Fuck Shit Fuck. I got SO frightened when I saw it and immediately I knew, I had to let go of the reins. Because the horse was familiar in that territory I had no clue. So I sat back, relaxed as much as was humanly possible at that moment (also because being stiff would literally cause me to fall off the horse) and just bounced and breathed with every move this amazing horse made.
I survived, obviously :-D, and I will never ever forget this AND see what beautiful lesson it taught me.
I really had my share of panicking and crying and every single time, no joke, something happened that made all the panicking and crying not necessary. So I started panicking and crying less and now I am at the point that I can still feel some panic now and then, and yes some tears too and I just breathe through it and remind myself of all the times before where everything did work out.
It's all about being able to self soothe.
And to trust. In Life AND in Yourself.
Ok enough for now. Let me end with this: You are always safe, you have a built in safety net. And as soon as you start to realise that everything comes FROM you....